It is believed that there are six basic core values which drive an individual’s behavior & decisions during the course of their lives. The importance of each value shifts as we experience the changing seasons of our lives. Take a look at the list below and see if any of them stand out to you. There is a good chance, even without an expanded description of the value, that you resonate with at least one of them. And the one that stands out could very well be a driving force in your life.
The six core values are:
- Personal power; claiming yourself.
- Achievement; proving yourself.
- Intimacy; sharing yourself.
- Play and creativity; expressing yourself.
- Search for meaning; integrating yourself.
- Compassion and Contribution; giving yourself.
Relationship coaching, I have noticed, often sees my clients and I working with the value of Personal Power. This includes; self esteem, identity, inner motivation, a positive sense of self, clear ego boundaries, self-love and courage. Every one of these elements can take a massive hit when a relationship breaks up or experiences a crisis.
It is no small feat to unwrap your identity from that of another. The very purpose of relationships is to merge your life with another to the degree that you are both comfortable. But this is not a conscious action or decision. There are also lot of hormones involved. The ‘merge’ can get unhealthy and uncomfortable and maybe this is why we hear co-dependent relationships being described in such a negative way.
But where do we draw the line. What is a healthy relationship and when does it slip into co-dependency? Do relationships slip in and out of co-dependency? Do we really need to focus so much on this little label? The opposite of co-dependency is detachment. It seems that detachment is now a badge of honour that one should strive for, an indication that one has reclaimed one’s power.
Unfortunately, I think many people misinterpret what healthy detachment is and feel like these pesky little feelings called love are a weakness. For me, healthy detachment is loving yourself in such a whole hearted way that love overflows to your fellow humans, whether they ‘deserve’ it or not. Loving someone shouldn’t take anything from you but rather add to your emotional reserves if it is done without expectation. Easier said than done, I know.
What makes me sad though, is when my clients sit disheartened by the fact that they haven’t managed to detach yet. This generates feelings of failure and can lead to a bit of a shut down and withdrawal, closely followed by blocks and limiting beliefs when it comes to working on building their Personal Power. One of my first goals as a coach is help my client understand the following:
- Your feelings are your feelings. They are not wrong – they are loving information for you to work with.
- Trying to ‘not love’ when you still feel love can create serious inner conflict, a lack of internal congruency. A war between the head and the heart….the heart usually wins so it’s the head that needs to look at a new and productive way of viewing the situation.
If you are waging a war between your head and your heart and you feel it’s time to GET SOME PEACE, give me a call, email me or book a free discovery session to discuss your story.